Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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