I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
