So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
