"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
