I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
