Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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