"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
