Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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