You can't motorboat a personality
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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