In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
