my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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