this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
