she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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