It's like God shit irony all over that family
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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