I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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