It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Randomize
