Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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