my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Randomize
