OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Randomize
