I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
