tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
We named our party play list daddy issues
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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