I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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