I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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