I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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