her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
