No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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