I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
did i just pee glitter
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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