Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
