ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
