I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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