And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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