i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
