You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
