He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
