hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
i drank out of a bidet.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
