why didn't you poke me back
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
