If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
