YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
