I think my fart just growled at me.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
