last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
