There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Randomize
