so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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