i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
