also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
