all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
