She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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