woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
you have to choose: penises or morals?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
