I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
