I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
