i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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